Of Trolls and Sarcasm
by Lady Yami
Summary: Smartass human mage falls down. Smartass troll shaman helps said mage by somewhat kidnapping her. But only a little. Oneshot for kicks.


Of Trolls and Sarcasm

By: Toki

AN: Fairly new to WoW, but enjoying myself. I play Alliance, but I have to say I love trolls. They're so funny and awesome. X3 Anyway, random scene that played itself into my head. No real plot, I just wanted to write it. One of those, y'know? Also because I wanted to write a fic that isn't about a BEAUTIFULBLOODELFOMG. Reviews appreciated!

Disclaimer: Blizzard owns WoW, I do not. But I do own Landee and this soda.

X X X

I'm not sure exactly what it is about the air in the Stranglethorn Vale that makes me uneasy. Maybe it's the fact that it rises in wild-smelling plumes, or blows directly onto my face like a furnace. Or maybe it was the subtle I'm-Being-Watched feeling. As a mage, I'm pretty sensitive to life. Not as much as a druid or hunter maybe, but more than your average human, yeah. Whatever it was, it had me running fast. Or speed walking. Whatever you want to call it.

That and the fact, that, of course, it was about to rain. Conveniently. Oh also, this did nothing to improve the temperature. Just made it more humid. My robes were plastered to my body in various uncomfortable places. Oh and let's not forget the sweat. Along my brow, and of course, in-between my breasts. They wasn't much boob there, but just enough to be irritating and sometimes earn a random whistle from the occasional guard.

So anyway. Attempting to fix my sleeveless robe, I sort of wobbled off towards the side of the road, in the shelter of a pillar. Um. Somewhat shelter. I was halfway through carefully rearranging the folds of fabric on my chest when I heard a pattering sound, even above that of the rain.

No…more of a clicking, really. Glancing around quickly, I whistled nonchalantly and held my robe away from my chest, letting the fresh air and rain hit my skin. It felt lovely. In my bliss, I ever-so-expertly did not notice the increasingly loud clicking. The rain was, in fact, starting to cool me. In a happy semi-daze, I wandered down the jungle lane to Booty Bay. I had maybe one or two more random things to do before I had enough gold to buy my own mount. I was very excited, to say the least. No more walking retarded long distances in an endless back-and-forth cycle. The rain stayed on steadily, and I silently thanked the gods I decided to keep my hair short. Before, I would have had a soggy black hair bun with roughly the weight of a rock on top of my head. Not pleasant.

I was about halfway there when there was a screech behind me. I reeled, expecting to see one of those obnoxious raptors that periodically tried to eat me. Not a big deal.

Sure enough, it was a raptor.

Unfortunately, though, there was a troll sitting on top of it.

A very impressive, heavily armored, troll. He was bigger than usual, I think, too. Great.

So. Horde.

Not quite in outright war, but definitely still killing each other on a fairly regular basis. Had he noticed me?

Hell yeah, he noticed me.

So of course, at this point, the rain started coming down harder. Great. GREAT. Whistling nonchalantly, I turned on my heel and kept walking down the path, pulling my hood up further. I loved my hood. And my robes, too. My lovely Cindercloth robes. My friend, a night elf priestess named Tysha, had enchanted them to amplify the fire magic I was so proud of blasting people with, too. Unfortunately, silk gets heavy when it's wet.

Very, very heavy.

So, while I was trying to act all cool and confident, I was in fact struggling through the rain with my soggy robes, and trying to hide the rampant sneezing fits that were erupting into my nose. With a troll behind me. Doing god knows what. Trolling. Take it easy, Landee. You'll make it. Just.

Another two miles.

GOD I NEED THAT MONEY.

There was a clap of thunder. I screeched. I hated it. I hate, hate, HATE being surprised. Clapping my hands over my ears, I started to run. Not much longer, not much longer. Oh, did I mention I really like soft boots, too?

Which get slippery when wet. So, of course, I slipped. My head connected to the cobblestones, causing splitting pain to shoot from the back of my head down.

Ouch. Well. I sighed, blinking into the rain streaming down in torrents from above. Much like a battering ram. Stars danced, briefly.

And then, to complicate things. Click, click, clickclickclick. Raptor talons, along the cobblestone. I turned to the left, expecting to see an arrow heading for my jugular. Nope. A raptor foot though, and then the creak of leather as the troll leaned over to peer at me. Instead of blank, blood thirsty eyes, I was surprised to see extremely purple ones. Purple eyes full of…concern?

No way.

"Joo okay, mon? You slipped, and yo head connected to da ground pretty hard."

Er.

I blinked, hoping he wouldn't notice the tears of embarrassment through the rain. I nodded slowly. Common? Since when does the Horde bother speaking Common?

He laughed at me. Deep, and loud, his huge chest shaking with it. What a jerk! My appreciation of the forest-dwelling dimwit diminished immediately. His laughter finally faded, and only sound was the pattering of the rain, and the raptor breathing and sort of side-eyeing me with interest. No. You cannot eat me. I started to get up, mumbling and thinking I'd rather have tea with Illidan. At least he wouldn't laugh at me. Just…kill me.

I was suddenly dangling a good foot off the ground, hanging by the back of my robe. I turned to stare in what I hoped was a menacing manner at the troll, who had taken one massive hand to lift me, and peer at me intently through a painted gaze. Arms crossed, I rolled my eyes, and tried to hide my SUDDEN INTENSE FEAR. It's hard to look scary when you're sort of dangling around and dripping wet. Especially when the person dangling you is literally a good two and a half feet taller than you.

"Yessssssssssss?" I asked sweetly. At this point, trying to hide the fact that was I shivering, too. Cold, now. And only minutes ago I was dying of heat. That's the Vale for you, though. "If you're going to kill me, could you make it quick? I have a very urgent meeting with Illidan. Lunch date, business deals, etc."

"Ahh-huuuuh, I gotcha," the troll nodded, mocking my dripping sweetness. He smiled slowly at me, and my oh-so-advanced brain immediately began counting his fangs. There were a lot of them. And they were pointy. Speaking of my brain. I think it got shifted in the fall, despite my efforts. Things were swimming back and forth a bit. So anyway. Back to being food.

I knew Thrall had gotten a lot of the trolls to stop cannibalism among the tribes. That's nice. But did they still eat humans?

He looked me up and down.

I'll take that as a YES…

Briefly, I thought of what spices would do me good. I'm normally surly and kind of stinky from so much walking, so they'd have to boil me good and clean first. Then maybe perhaps some oil, a little clove---

"Ah, I think you did hit ja head. Ja spacin' out, girl."

I turned to glare at him, teeth chattering. "Wh-where I go in my own head is my business, thank you VERY much, talking blueberry with tusks!" I blinked. He blinked. Then sighed. I rubbed my arms, mind swimming in circles. Something about Thrall and Jaina Proudmoore, S-O-M-E-T-H-I-N-G in a tree. But wait! Cue cheap soap opera trill. Prince Sunstrider is there!

With an Elekk. A flying one. I began giggling insanely. Velen's disembodied head showed up and began lecturing Jaina and Thrall about the importance of TEEN PREGNANCY. More insane laughter.

"Ya…ja hit ya head."

"I'm fine, Surly McTuskbutt. Now put me down!" I was honestly angry at him now, but nauseous too.

"No. If I put ja down, a raptor will get'cha and I won be forgiven' myself. No need for dead children, race put 'side."

And with that, I was plopped directly onto the raptor, pushed up against the troll. WHAT THE HELL. I NEED AN ADULT. ONE WITHOUT TUSKS, PREFERABLY.

"A RAPTOR DID JUST GET ME, BUT BY PROXY."

My stomach lurched, and my vision swam. I felt the troll sigh. The back of my head, where it hurt the most, was pressed right against his chest. Luckily it was nice, soft leather. Great. It rumbled with his laughter again, and I bounced slightly as the raptor started forwards again.

Oh lord. If my sister could see me now. My older sister, Dessa, is a Stormwind Guard. She's extremely Alliance-happy, and hates the Horde with a fiery vengeance. I don't really blame her. A blood elf took glee in chopping off all of her hair. Said blood elf got away with only nine fingers, which must have sucked. The pain of re-growing her lustrous black hair still remained though, as did the wound.

So. Better not tell her I got a pity ride from a troll. He was humming. I could feel it rumbling in his chest. I was extremely tense, expecting him to perhaps throw me off at any moment, or bash me with something. His hand would do. His fingers were the same thickness as my arm. Nice.

"Mon, I can feel ya head throbbin'. Be moh careful."

I looked up at him, albeit carefully due to tusks. His face swam a bit, but the pointed ears and tusks still remained true to his identity. "Why?"

"So you don die." He rolled his eyes. Yes, I'm the dullard. Sure.

"Why do you care?" I huffed angrily, and he put a huge hand on my head. I froze.

"Stupid little thing. Ja real delicate, even for a human. Mages." He grunted. Almost at once, the pain alleviated. A shaman? He was in mail. But. I squinted. Or only some of it. Aha. There was an axe slung over his back, with a dancing white light surrounding it. Yep. Shaman. I knew many draenei friends.

"Thanks." I said shyly, somehow ashamed of my previous behavior.

"No problem, glass child."

"I'm Landee Redwind," I grumbled, attitude all over.

"Kezamin Stonefang," he laughed softly. "Of the Zandalar tribe."

"Oh pardon me," I quipped. "I'm of the Lives-Down-the-Street-From-That-Guy-With-The-Face-Rash clan. That's how people know us." I felt his chest rumble behind me. I blinked. "I've heard Zandalar before."

"You may have, you may have. T'eres a lot 'bout us. We old." He shrugged. I blinked ahead, trying to keep the water out of my eyes. The precipitation had lessened, but only some. I was getting sleepy.

"I just remember being told you're bigger than other trolls. Which is seriously impressive, by the way."

He laughed harder, slapping his thigh. I jumped from the noise. "Relax, I ain't going to eat'cha. You too jumpy. No need for it, girl."

"B-but you THOUGHT about eating me! I BET YOU DID."

He looked down at me. "Dat…is…well, I'll keep ja in suspense," he cackled, and cracked the reins. Gulp. We took off faster, leaping over a gap on one of the many suspension bridges that dotted the jungle. I screamed, clinging to my captor's arm and screeching obscenities at the speed of light.

He sighed as we performed another daredevil leap. "I've met ORCS with better mouths than joo…".

"They're jealous of me." I smiled. We were approaching Booty Bay, now. My mini trip of hell was coming to a close. Hopefully it wouldn't end with me as a troll entrée. Going in through the tunnel was a strange experience, to say the least. The looks the goblins gave us were far from hidden. Blatant expressions of "WHAT THE FU—", more like it.

"You okay there, Landee?" Krisko called from behind us as we jogged past. The goblin was a friend of mine.

"Fine, fine," I called back, disbelieving my own voice.

"WE HAVE A STRICT NO EATTING LANDEE POLICY HERE, SIR!" He called after us again, voice fading as we descended further into the bay.

He looked down at me, raising the place where an eyebrow should have been. "Ja really think I'm gonna eat'cha?"

I blinked up at him as we came to a stop outside the inn. The rain had given way to heavy air and heavier sunshine, playing thick and gold across the water in Booty Bay. The salty breeze felt great. It looked like he had a friend waiting for him, as the other troll waved jovially at him. Oh neat, you guys are adorable. I realized I hadn't responded, as he again locked lavender eyes with mine. He then sighed, leaning over me to pat the raptor on the head. He smelled like hot grass, somehow. I suddenly felt terrible. Here was someone honestly trying to aid me and I just blew up in their face.

He dismounted suddenly, and I nearly jumped again. But only nearly! I turned to start the task of dismounting myself, clinging to the raptor's saddle and trying desperately to let my tippy toe make contact with the dock. No such luck. I slid a bit further down, wishing I had a butt as I slipped, back on the saddle.

I think the freaking raptor is laughing at me.

Kezamin grabbed me and set me down with his usual lack of manners and effort. I wonder if I'm really that light to him. He took that opportunity to rise to his full height and roll his shoulders.

Yes. Yes I am.

The Zandalarian emissary smiled at me.

"She fell on her skull, so I picked her up with me on me way here. Delicate things, humans."

"That indeed. This one works with the mojo, ja can tell. She got da aura."

"Uhh," I said intelligently.

"But." He squinted carefully at me. "A bit too scrawny to eat," he smiled slowly, all fangs and manners.

"I know, I'll do betta next time." Kezamin laughed, patting me on the head.

If you're wondering what happened with all of this, I did not get eaten. I did end up fighting an insane god and making friends with several more members of the Horde, but that's a story for another day.

Also, I don't recommend walking alone in the Stranglethorn Vale. There could be Lolita loving trolls.

AN: Rushed and pointless. But I wanted to do it. xD Thanks!


End file.
